Sent to Knight during a wisdom search.

Well, I’m a person of always two games. (which is probably why he thought I would understand him the most). In my experiences, I have fun. Now, if he sees his almost 3 years relationship is going somewhere serious then I would inform the lady. This way she knows he is being honest and they can work together to move forward. Now if he hides that, I don’t believe he thinks his current relationship has the ability to move anymore forward as is and is not a strong one. Now if he doesn’t see his current relationship going serious, still inform the lady and still go on until time sets them part. In my ways, I have fun in all relationships then IF ever then go further, and the see IF serious is possible. See having mass attraction to others is fine just as long as you know how to treat others correctly and not leave them crush on the ground. To put it plainly, be a slut, be a whore, be anything you want, just don’t be mean.

June 4, 2012

Today I presented an inhumanity project in Humanities. I carelessly closed it with the name “Christian Ochoa.”

I feel so bad because my team member’s name was “Christian Cardenas.”

I feel like crap.

That was the first time that I was consciously mean to someone. I feel like a bully. I felt like those fake girls in Mean Girls.

He almost cried and whispered, “Why does all the bad things happen to me?”

I feel like a total shit hole for that.

I’m sorry Christian.

​I’m at Dante’s classroom. I’m excited for our rock climbing trip over the summer. Hopefully we will be able to do more things other than that. I will really miss him.

Right now, I’m just waiting for him to come back so that I can see him again before I head home.

Lately, I’ve been very lazy with everything. Ever since he stopped being with me I have lost motivation at school. Being insi his room rot now gives me that feeling of motivation that I used to have.

Oh! I made him laughs today. That was nice. No one really believed that I could crack jokes. I always ruin them they say but he laughed. I guess as corny as you can say it he sees a side of me that many people does not.

I don’t know man. I like him but I don’t think it will ever happen. Given the circumstance he is what? 34. My oh my! That shouldn’t be something I should be playing with. I think I need to go now. Nope, just remembered I need to talk to him about supplies and gear that I need for our trip.

I think I might just invite all the Orphans to our trip, so that we can warm up on the fact of hanging out. Hopefully by then he would want to plan another trip. I mean the orphans and I are his family here in American Canyon. I guess I can that all is good.

I don’t think I’ll ever have you.

We can talk. We can flirt. We can touch each other.
But no matter what. You will always suddenly leave me like nothing happened and proclaim yourself as straight.
Days later were back at the same cycle. We can talk. We can flirt. We can touch each other. Then you leave. Repeat.

I can keep going in this little cycle of ours. I just know that we will never be together.

Too many people will get hurt. Too many identity proven. Too many troubles and burdens.

We’re at the “You leave me” phase.
You didn’t show up to practice.
I still miss you.

I’m tired of being judge as the weak girl just because she is in heels and dress all girly.

I’m tired of the stares that I get from people when I try something that people do not think I am capable of.

I’m tired of the words “YOU’RE DOING THAT!?” “YOU’RE REALLY DOING THAT?!”

I’M TIRED OF PEOPLE’S MENTALITY THAT I CAN’T DO SPORTS.

I’M TIRED OF THE FACT THAT PEOPLE SEE ME AS PHYSICALLY WEAK.

I really hate the stares of the silent unsaid words that I get saying “Oh she’s lying” “Oh she wont really do that” “What are you even doing here”

I truly hate how people do that to me.

But no.

I know that I am physically able.

I know that I can do it.

Now, I’m going to show and prove everyone wrong.

That I am more than what they think I am.

Because no one has any idea how it feels to be stared down at by society by being who you are when in turn society do not even know what you do as a person or what you are capable of.

It’s pure bullshit.

I HATE IT.

Joining wrestling.

I know that everyone including my bestfriend, my parents, my church, my youth groups, my friends - everyone, doubts me.

No one believe that I can do it, but I will.

I’ve always wanted to wrestle bu the fact that back then I let society label me as the “girl” is what stopped me. Another is financial issues .

With wrestling, I know that I won’t let society label me anymore. I just have the financial issue. I need to find a way where I find money to pay for the $150 transportation fee and the additional wrestling packs.

Everything just lies in the fact of lifting weights and strategically executing wrestling. Both of which I love to do.

Taking down people and lifting weights are probably the two things that I can declare and actually use the word love.

I WILL PROVE EVERYONE WRONG.